Try new things

 

Are You Lost?

 "Are you lost?"

I look down, and see a young boy, maybe 7, twirling around in the ocean water near me. I look at him, after looking at the vastness of the ocean, the vastness of the future of my life, and I answer, "No, I'm not lost." I say it with a smile. The ocean laps at my waist. I'm not lost. 

he says, "you should twirl like a mermaid like me!" and he twirls around in the water. I laugh, but I stand as I am. I am doing what I need to do. Standing with both feet solid, with waves coming and going. I am exactly perfect in the not knowing. 

After I settle back on my towel, he looks over at me and gives me the thumbs up sign every so often. It's fun to make unexpected friends at the beach, and the angel sight of children is a wonder to behold, as is the discovery that all the things I thought I didn't know or maybe lost are more golden and sure than I ever imagined. I just needed the question asked to show me my own knowing. 

Dream 6-12

 Last night I had a dream I was standing in a small circle of people, and it was quiet and solemn. It was some kind of special meeting. Someone on my right put an arm around my shoulder to pull me closer in and I put my head on that person's shoulder and allowed myself that brief moment to take some strenth in. Then I was on a huge cruise ship and a crowd of people were laughing and eating and not noticing icebergs all around, white ice shores and an icy sea with waves hundreds of feet high. The ship was going to crash and sink and I knew I was going to die trying to stop it but I also knew that was why I was there. As soon as I said in my heart, "it's ok, I know this is why I am here" then I was in a room and someone gave me a golden crystal cup with beautiful cursive words engraved in it and I can only remember a little bit of the words:  "all the light you cannot see is all the light you need." Someone with a deep low voice I couldn't see said, "thank you for following thru. You made a difference."

June 4 - Dream

Last night, I had a dream I was riding the tallest roller coaster in the world. To get to it, I had to climb up this white, metal ladder, miles up, and at the top, I was above the clouds and it was only white. It didn't make sense to me with the harnesses, because there were none and it was just a boxed metal floor and sides with no top and no locks to keep people safe. There were 3 other people standing in there with me, and the ride started and I was holding the metal bars closed to keep everyone from falling out. We were spinning and looping around in the white. I woke up soooo sore and almost crying with how tight my back was between my shoulder blades. Then I thought, what if the whole point of the ride was to "let" people fly? All this time, I just don't trust that I can or that others can. There is something deep and protective between my shoulder blades and I'm tryin so hard to let it let go and let my wings grow. They are like ingrown nubbins now, no wonder it hurts when I try to do anything brave.

Peace

 Interesting conversation this morning, comparing how some greetings literally mean "May you have peace" or "peace to you" instead of "good morning." May we have peace and in finding that, the good. And to allow the space of the morning to not be "labeled" or branded as good, because you can be in a storm and still be at peace. Peace isn't about avoidance.

-This painting is from a hard time in my life, but I have found peace. I am grateful for the strength I found through that storm.

May 28 - dream

 I had a dream where I was in an ancient underground tomb/catacombs, and it reminded me of a lonely, cold, howling Phantom of the Opera lair. No one had been down there for centuries, and it looked all Gothic with soot embedded in all the rock creases and crevices. An old man was there and he was staring at me strangely; he said, “aren’t you glad you came here?” and I didn't answer, because I wasn't sure I was glad. I looked around and there were tunnels leading into darkness and the sound of dripping water and the smell of cold and old stone. I wasn’t very happy to be there, but I felt like I should be grateful somehow that I got to see it. 

Then I got swept into another scene. I was at the edge of a very dark forest at midnight. I could see people running, playing tag with each other and hugging and belonging together, and they were all in light like daytime. No one could see me. I was separated by an invisible wall. I saw trash on the ground around everyone and they didn’t see it.  I wanted to clean it all up so nature would be able to thrive and the people wouldn't trip on trash and get hurt. I started picking trash up and putting it in a bag. I asked them, “don’t you see the trash? Won’t anyone help me?” No one heard or saw me. So I dropped my bag and walked into the dark forest, alone. It was so dark I couldn’t see anything but I could “see” my way and followed the inner feeling I had to keep walking father into the forest. I could feel many eyes on me, like wild animal eyes, just watching me as I walked further and further and further into the dark forest. I wasn’t scared, but I did have this feeling in my soul, like a strange whistling sorrow, that I would always be alone. But it was supposed to be this way, because this walk was my walk and no one could take it with me.

Poetry

This morning, during yoga in a beautiful park, I saw a large group of birds really high up in the white sky. They were weaving, dancing, in and out of each other without crashing. It was so beautiful, mesmerizing. It was how the Universe writes poetry. We are the poetry of the Universe - how we write ourselves and how we are written cannot ever be wrong. 

This is a large painting I did 2 years ago. Tell me what you see in it. 

Balance!!!

 

7

 There has been some majorly beautiful signs lately affirming that alignment is happening. This morning, I noticed something in the grass, I picked it up and put it on a rock. It was a little square of paper and on it was just the printed number 7. In numerology, everything of me is a 7, except for one 9. A dear friend who can see auras told me I have a rainbow aura. It just made me think that we don't generate the light but reflect it. We don't generate love or give from a limited space - we are a conduit for it. Love and light are limitless and not bound or contained by our own understanding, possessiveness, or acts of control. They are measureless, infinite, waiting to be dipped in with joy just as we dip our toes into the ocean.

May 18th dream

 I had a dream that I was on the beach. The ocean was going to get stormy, and the wind was picking up. To my right was a tall cliff. To my left, a lady was putting up a jewelry stand on the sand by the waves, and her earring displays fell over from the wind. I went over to help her fix them and I was mesmerized by all of the beautiful crystals and stones she used in her earrings. Then this little child, a beautiful little girl with the lightest blue eyes I ever saw, walked up to me, leaned close and whispered, “are you an angel?” I looked into her eyes, and they were not light blue at all, but clear like a quartz crystal. I said, “not any more than you are.” Then she smiled and crawled into my lap. Then I woke up.

May 15th dream

 I had a dream I was in Nepal hundreds of years ago. I was walking thru a marketplace with prayer flags and puddles and chickens in cages and old women kept looking up at me and then downcast their eyes again with respect. I felt like I was full of humbleness and peace and gratitude. I had no shoes on and had thin books in my left hand. I had a shaved head with peach fuzz growing back and was wearing a weird tattered garment that was white like a robe. It was wrapped high around my waist and had a top part that went over my left shoulder like a thin strap. An old woman with really high creekbones telepathically told me 'you finally come.'

May 13th dream

 I had the most beautiful dream. There was a tall, black mountain face, straight up, with tiny ledges for your fingers and toes to grip precariously. So many people were trying to crawl up its sides but couldn’t make it, and would fall back into an abyss. I was almost to the top and my fingers couldn’t hold on anymore. A voice inside me said, “let go” and I did. I didn’t fall. I was hovering and then I hovered up to this black door. The question was, “what can you give to gain access to what is inside this door?” I said, “I am love.” And the door opened, and inside was tunnels of what looked like Labradorite, pulsing with light, like a heartbeat of light. Every time the heartbeat of light hummed, the walls and ceiling and floor lit up like rainbows. It was so beautiful I started crying, and there was so much love energy I felt like I would explode. I touched the walls, and they were cold, and wet, and felt like ridged rock, but rainbows alive inside of them. I told myself over and over, “remember this, remember this, remember this.”

May 11th dream

 I woke up at midnight and couldn’t go back to sleep. So last night, I did everything I could to make sure I could sleep. I turned off all the lights at 8pm, didn’t watch anything on my laptop before bed, and snuggled in bed and willed myself to sleep. I hoped for a sleep that was like going into a dark nothing so I could wake up refreshed. But last night, I had a dream I couldn’t get out of. I was at a picnic at this beautiful park with a bunch of talking animals; they were lovely and perfect and kind of like angel animals, softly glowing. A lion was talking with an uppity British accent and said, “my name is Percival, I went to Haaaaarvard” and he was playing cards and wanted me to play poker with him, but I kept saying, ‘just let me sleep!’ But I was stuck in the dream. I also remember a shy hedgehog trying to encourage me (he was my favorite and he had such gentle, loving energy) and a badger, a mouse, and a cute, little frog wearing a fancy, black suit with coat-tails. The animals kept handing me playing cards and all my cards were in the suit of hearts. The lion kept winning and it annoyed everyone because he was a sore winner.

I felt compelled when I woke up to look up the name Percival. He was one of King Arthur's legendary Knights of the Round Table. He is best known for being the original hero in the quest for the Grail.

Crow

This morning, the strangest thing happened to me that I cannot explain. I was driving and was so focused on something ahead and my own plan. All of a sudden, a crow flew right in front of my windshield, like hovering there, as if time stopped. It was extremely powerful and it felt like I hit a force field and the crow said, "STOP". I put my right hand out, palm towards it instinctively and said, "OK!" I am listening. 

I am listening, Universe. I am listening. 

I cannot explain it. All day, my whole chest has been vibrating and feels so warm and so much energy is there. 

I was reading about Crows, and they can herald a transformation or change, redirection, or a message of spiritual growth. While I can read and read and read about stuff, deep down I know the answer. It shows itself slyly like the sun coming over a hill in the morning. 

Radio Flyer

 Memory time: 

On our farm, we had a red Radio Flyer wagon...and we would use hay bale strings as "harnesses" to the elected "horse" and that horse would pull the Radio Flyer from the barn all the way down the steep hill to the pond, at least 800 yards. As the "horse" you would see your life flash before your eyes, as the wagon handle would get closer and closer to the back of your legs. The faster you ran, the closer it got, until you screamed and turned hard left and dumped out your cargo (unhappy siblings).

Stump

After doing my house chores, I had this feeling that I needed to go into the woods, with bare feet. I wasn't sure which woods, but I walked out my door with no plan and just kept walking. I ended up at George Washington park, and saw the most perfect stump, nestled with tall, soft grass around it, and a circle of trees. A patch of warm sunshine was beaming down on it. So, I walked up, said hello to the stump, and sat on it, cross-legged, and meditated for what seemed like forever. Maybe I was this stump. I could feel a thrumming energy pulse from my head down into the stump into the center of the world and back up again. I felt so calm. When I opened my eyes, it felt like swooshing energy from every tree was sucking through a pin-hole in my heart and when I looked at the trees to my left, they seemed to be moving back and forth, like warped and vibrating.

At that moment, a mother and a little boy, maybe 4 or 5, walked by. The boy was staring at me quizzically and then had the biggest smile. He said, "Do you see the fairies?! They are all around you!"

Bear

 Weird dream time. I was in my old bedroom in Missouri and a demon-witch of pure evil was telling me that I was broken and weak and no one would want to choose me to be on their team. I was affronted and started throwing old, lumpy pillows at the creature to make it leave. I yelled "shame on you! I am good and strong and people love me!" and I said with each pillow throw, "only love is allowed here. I will only allow loving words here!" and then it's like a chapter closed softly, and I got transported to another place that had levels like a video game. I sneaked to a level I wasn't supposed to reach yet to peak at the "boss" I would have to fight. A voice from the sky said urgently, "you aren't supposed to go there yet!" but the sky voice couldn't stop me, and I wasn't afraid. I kept finding ways to higher levels without playing the game. I found the boss - it was in a cage in a dark, deep basement with a jungle around--I could hear waterfalls and birds. When I saw it, I thought, "that's not so tough! I can beat that!" and the boss (a huge, black bear with green glowing eyes) looked at me and was disappointed I wasn't scared of it. It seemed kind of sad and lonely all of a sudden, and I wanted to let it out of the cage and pet it. I had a sense we would be allies somehow. I also knew I would never play the game. It was stupid and pointless. When I woke up, it was 3am - my throat hurt so bad and my arms were tired. Who would have thought mental and emotional pillows were that heavy in dreams.

dream 5/1

 I had a dream that I was in a Commercial airplane, and it suddenly tipped to crash straight down. I went up to the cockpit and looked out the window and wasn't scared at all. I willed the plane to land in my mind, and said aloud, "it won't crash, everyone will be ok." and the belly of the plane tipped at just the right angle that it landed on its belly and skidded to a halt  into an urban area with a wide street and gray buildings on either side . Everyone survived, and said it was a miracle. I walked outside of the plane, but no one followed me. As soon as I walked outside of the plane, there were no buildings anymore, and I had no sense of the landscape. I could only see what was directly in front of me--it was all white like a blank slate and objects only appeared when I got close enough. I found food supplies...big bags filled with cartons of strawberry yogurt to give to people. I ordered people to make an assembly line to help get the food to everyone, but I was alone, and no one was behind me and no one was coming out of the plane. I kept yelling at them to come out, that it was better out here than in the plane. Everyone was just staying inside the plane.Then another plane crashed to my right, and it had no wings. But I knew there was no one inside that plane. Then both planes disappeared and I was just there. Alone. Not scared or lonely. I just felt really old and tired. 

Memory

As a kid, I loved Spring. The cow pasture with the woods and creek had the most beautiful wildflowers that would bloom from April-May-June. I would lie down, nestled among Black-Eyed Susans, Daisies, Queen Anne's Lace, Wild Irises, Bluebells, Foxgloves, and tiny, blue star flowers, and watch the clouds go by - bees buzzed around me from flower to flower and white and yellow butterflies flitted about, sometimes landing on my tummy if I was still enough. I remember talking to them and telling them how beautiful they were. There is a tender hum of peace when you are in a place like that, where everything makes sense.

nap dream

As soon as I got off work, I felt so tired, so I took a nap at 6pm and just woke up from a very real dream. I had a dream that I was at my old house in Missouri, but it looked different. It had the same yard, but it was taller and more narrow and there were more houses around instead of the cow pasture. I went inside, and there was a tour going on, someone was explaining the history of the house and the history of the town. There was a picture of a man beside a piano in the front landing and the tour lady said there was a rumor that a ghost lived in the house, and only special people could see him. She said that there were rumors that he had been murdered for his abilities, and that is why he was a ghost. Just then, I knew that I would soon see him. I could sense his presence as I toured the house. I saw him in the attic; he came from behind a corner and just looked at me, and he was sad, very sad. I spoke to him and told him to not be sad anymore, that I knew what happened to him, and I was sorry that it happened to him. I felt like my heart was breaking for him, and I could feel all of his sorrow. I wasn't scared at all. Then I heard piano music again and I knew it was him and somehow the music meant he was free. Then I woke up. I can still see his sad face after I woke up - he was from the late 1800s. 

I am not sure if this is a shadow work dream, or something else. Well, definitely there is a lot of details in my dreams; they feel like movies, so real and immersive. And it is only 9:20pm, o my, still more sleep ahead of me.

dream

 In my dream, I was pregnant (immaculate conception), and then I had a boy baby. I went from having a pregnant belly to giving birth without pain in less than an hour. I was walking around topless nursing him. I could smell honey. Then he looked at me with ancient, knowing eyes that saw straight through to my soul and said in a man's voice, "it's time" and then I looked up into the heavens and expected to be taken away soaring up into another dimension like before. But then I was another person in a warzone, and had to hide inside of a giant beehive. I was as small as the bees and was helping them build honeycomb by stacking it like lincoln logs.

snake dream

 I had a dream that I was lying in the grass, and a green snake slithered towards me, and went through my shirt sleeve, across my chest, and then out my shirt neck hole, touching my throat. It looked deeply and lovingly into my eyes and I was not scared, and then it slithered away. Then another snake came from the opposite direction, twice as big, green with darker stripes. It had big eyes and crawled across my stomach. I wasn't scared. It felt like a friend. Then I got up and went into a hot kitchen and started making a raspberry fruit tart. I didn't have the right ingredients or items needed. I looked in all the cupboards and drawers for a knife and a cooking rack and a chopping board and couldn't find anything, but somehow I was putting a fruit tart in the oven. Like it magically appeared there because I didn't give up looking for all the stuff I needed. Then I took it out of the oven and it smelled really good and I knew it would be delicious.

I have never had a snake dream before.

My friend died

 I felt tethered today

Tethered to the ground

unable to bounce, to fly

Strangely disconnected from my body.

I hugged a rock and layed in the grass

I said, "ok, I will rest in you."

I felt pain and sorrow and deep fatigue. 

I felt my heart beat so fast and like I couldn't breathe,

And then I felt my heart beat, and beat, and beat

And beat.

dream

 I had a very strange dream and honestly I feel like it is more and more disorienting to wake up and determine if what happened was real or just a dream. In my dream, I was in my room. A big, white glowing rat ran out from under my bed but I wasn't scared. I looked up and saw a demon in the corner of my room watching me. I started chanting at it and rebuking it, and it shriveled up like a mummy until it was smaller than the rat. I was floating in the corner of the ceiling at this point, looking down at the shriveled demon until it disappeared. Then I woke up and I saw a black sphinx-like cat with big alien orb eyes watching me from my bedroom door frame--it looked like those Egyptian cat statues with long pointy ears and neck, except it had orb eyes. Was I actually awake or still asleep?!? The cat wasn't scary and I felt protected by it. It felt like a test for how I handled the rat and the demon. 

My dreams keep getting more and more vivid. 

dream

 I had the most intense dream that really felt real. I was in a huge, old library with tall windows three stories high. Outside the window, I could see the universe, and planets falling apart, with ash dripping down into the sky. I heard a voice say, "It's time now." There was a soundless thunder snap that ended everything. And then I flew up, faster than light, through realms and dimensions made of gossamer and silk and hazy clouds, webs and lace of silver and I kept going faster and faster up up up and then I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I was sitting in the most beautiful sunshine cafe, with a perfect orange on a plate before me. I peeled the orange and ate a piece, and said, "this is the most delicious orange I ever tasted." Then I woke up and it was super disorienting that I was in my bed. 

 

Soft

 My greatest lesson in life to learn is this....how to remain strong and soft in equal measure. 

In my latter years, I am learning my strength. 

I am very, very soft, and honestly, I run far away when people hurt me. I've always been a very "all in" type of person. If I let you in, my heart and soul is all in. Any harsh words or anything cruel done, is deeply taken in - after the wound, I run far away, the heart and soul part of me, where I can never be hurt that way again. While I may stay physically present and even cordial or friendly, deep inside myself, I've left you. Especially after unnecessary words or actions of cruelty.

I am still learning how to navigate this, and perhaps it is just another layer of my realization of how far I have left to mature spiritually, etc. 

These are things I haven't quite figured out yet. I am FAR, FAR, Far from a perfect person. Perhaps this is one of my flaws as a person. 

I am both the soft underbelly of a deer and the fangs of a wolf who isn't snarling at you, but has the teeth to tear asunder but doesn't. And never would. In a sassy moment, I might flash you a toothy smile and then tell you a poop joke. 

I know I desire to love deeply (and be loved in return!!!), but if I am hurt, I will "meep meep" away faster than the Roadrunner in the Looney Tunes cartoons. And no coyote will ever catch me because I run hella fast... 

- and goodbye inside of myself I will go. 

If TMI, scroll on. But I think this may be more common than most will admit. The lesson is to learn how to keep on with softness AND strength....how to remain trusting and soft, but wise. Maybe there is no easy answer. 

Edit: This post isn't about forgiveness, because you can absolutely(!!) forgive, but also never put yourself where your energy isn't valued, respected, or appreciated. The strong part of me has embraced this last bit...I have recognized when my energy and self isn't treated right, and can finally take the measures to create the boundaries needed for my own health and strength---took 35 years, lol!!! You don't have to let everyone in deeply and you can absolutely remove those who don't treat you well.

Dream

 I had a dream where I was standing and looking across a big moat/canal surrounding a round, green hill. On the hill were five huge, majestic Gothic architecture buildings that had dark stones, like it had been burned by fire or turned dark because of smoke. One building even looked like a tomb, and somehow I knew I had been there before, studying something (not university courses, but something I couldn't quite place). As I stood and looked at it, I realized I never would go there again. And it felt wonderful to turn away from it. 

Stubborn

I grew up in a household hearing classical music every day. My older sister practiced the piano 6 hours a day, and I would sometimes escape to the cow pasture away from the sound of repeated measures to the tick of the metronome (she went on to get her Masters in Piano Performance, and I cannot be more proud). Also, I honestly am in awe of my mom - she made sure we all (5 kids!!) had well-rounded childhoods. We all took piano lessons (in addition, for me, I took tap, ballet, jazz, weekly art classes, and flute lessons). I took piano lessons for two years, from ages 8-10, but had a teacher who, looking back, taught me an important lesson that means a lot even now. Children and animals can tell when they are barely tolerated, lol, and something deep in my immature, young heart really did everything I could to be the worst student ever, in a weird way, because I knew she didn't like me. I would practice the songs with the wrong fingering on purpose, and even though it would sound 100% correct, my teacher would say with exasperation, "Wrong again! Practice it the right way!" I do not know how I played Bach: Invention 4 with bad fingering with my small, child hands, and to this day, I can play this song from memory, but ONLY if I use the incorrect fingering. A bad way was etched in my mind. I think part of my life penance is to learn this piece with the correct fingering. And to send loving energy to my poor piano teacher. I'm sure my skinny, stubborn 8-10 year old self was a silent force to endure. Also, this story is proof I can be a stubborn @ss in my own way. 

Dear-o-deer

 There are many days when I feel like I don't belong on this planet. At all. Never did. I feel like a deer that has been walking carefully and with purpose her whole life, only to walk into landmines, exploding my own legs off trying to save people. 

I don't understand anything. I know this is part of my journey to learn, but my whole life, I've always been careful about where I place my trust, although I always love. To me, words, carelessly and cruelly spoken, are hard to come back from. Cruel words are shrapnel in the soul that can be forgiven, but there is always a scar. This is why, in my own sacred pact, I've vowed to never use words to hurt others. In all things, pause, reflect, then share. 

I know that from past childhood trauma, my first instinct is to soothe and save others who are emotionally in turmoil. But then somewhere along the lines, I feel overpowered, drained, and then ultimately disrespected, treated poorly, and even verbally abused when I try to reclaim autonomy and space when I stop engaging in dysfunctional healing. I've become better over the years recognizing this pattern, and recent affirmations have confirmed that I need to be careful to NOT give too much of myself in healing others. 

Mostly..,it makes me incredibly wary of giving my trust and vulnerability to others. Ultimately, in this world, I truly do walk alone. I know one of my life journeys is to learn to proclaim my value, and not give myself away in the wrong ways. Better to keep my own legs and show others how to run on their own legs. 

I am learning better boundaries so it doesn't get to this point.