Dear-o-deer

 There are many days when I feel like I don't belong on this planet. At all. Never did. I feel like a deer that has been walking carefully and with purpose her whole life, only to walk into landmines, exploding my own legs off trying to save people. 

I don't understand anything. I know this is part of my journey to learn, but my whole life, I've always been careful about where I place my trust, although I always love. To me, words, carelessly and cruelly spoken, are hard to come back from. Cruel words are shrapnel in the soul that can be forgiven, but there is always a scar. This is why, in my own sacred pact, I've vowed to never use words to hurt others. In all things, pause, reflect, then share. 

I know that from past childhood trauma, my first instinct is to soothe and save others who are emotionally in turmoil. But then somewhere along the lines, I feel overpowered, drained, and then ultimately disrespected, treated poorly, and even verbally abused when I try to reclaim autonomy and space when I stop engaging in dysfunctional healing. I've become better over the years recognizing this pattern, and recent affirmations have confirmed that I need to be careful to NOT give too much of myself in healing others. 

Mostly..,it makes me incredibly wary of giving my trust and vulnerability to others. Ultimately, in this world, I truly do walk alone. I know one of my life journeys is to learn to proclaim my value, and not give myself away in the wrong ways. Better to keep my own legs and show others how to run on their own legs. 

I am learning better boundaries so it doesn't get to this point.