Memory

As a kid, I loved Spring. The cow pasture with the woods and creek had the most beautiful wildflowers that would bloom from April-May-June. I would lie down, nestled among Black-Eyed Susans, Daisies, Queen Anne's Lace, Wild Irises, Bluebells, Foxgloves, and tiny, blue star flowers, and watch the clouds go by - bees buzzed around me from flower to flower and white and yellow butterflies flitted about, sometimes landing on my tummy if I was still enough. I remember talking to them and telling them how beautiful they were. There is a tender hum of peace when you are in a place like that, where everything makes sense.

nap dream

As soon as I got off work, I felt so tired, so I took a nap at 6pm and just woke up from a very real dream. I had a dream that I was at my old house in Missouri, but it looked different. It had the same yard, but it was taller and more narrow and there were more houses around instead of the cow pasture. I went inside, and there was a tour going on, someone was explaining the history of the house and the history of the town. There was a picture of a man beside a piano in the front landing and the tour lady said there was a rumor that a ghost lived in the house, and only special people could see him. She said that there were rumors that he had been murdered for his abilities, and that is why he was a ghost. Just then, I knew that I would soon see him. I could sense his presence as I toured the house. I saw him in the attic; he came from behind a corner and just looked at me, and he was sad, very sad. I spoke to him and told him to not be sad anymore, that I knew what happened to him, and I was sorry that it happened to him. I felt like my heart was breaking for him, and I could feel all of his sorrow. I wasn't scared at all. Then I heard piano music again and I knew it was him and somehow the music meant he was free. Then I woke up. I can still see his sad face after I woke up - he was from the late 1800s. 

I am not sure if this is a shadow work dream, or something else. Well, definitely there is a lot of details in my dreams; they feel like movies, so real and immersive. And it is only 9:20pm, o my, still more sleep ahead of me.

dream

 In my dream, I was pregnant (immaculate conception), and then I had a boy baby. I went from having a pregnant belly to giving birth without pain in less than an hour. I was walking around topless nursing him. I could smell honey. Then he looked at me with ancient, knowing eyes that saw straight through to my soul and said in a man's voice, "it's time" and then I looked up into the heavens and expected to be taken away soaring up into another dimension like before. But then I was another person in a warzone, and had to hide inside of a giant beehive. I was as small as the bees and was helping them build honeycomb by stacking it like lincoln logs.

snake dream

 I had a dream that I was lying in the grass, and a green snake slithered towards me, and went through my shirt sleeve, across my chest, and then out my shirt neck hole, touching my throat. It looked deeply and lovingly into my eyes and I was not scared, and then it slithered away. Then another snake came from the opposite direction, twice as big, green with darker stripes. It had big eyes and crawled across my stomach. I wasn't scared. It felt like a friend. Then I got up and went into a hot kitchen and started making a raspberry fruit tart. I didn't have the right ingredients or items needed. I looked in all the cupboards and drawers for a knife and a cooking rack and a chopping board and couldn't find anything, but somehow I was putting a fruit tart in the oven. Like it magically appeared there because I didn't give up looking for all the stuff I needed. Then I took it out of the oven and it smelled really good and I knew it would be delicious.

I have never had a snake dream before.

My friend died

 I felt tethered today

Tethered to the ground

unable to bounce, to fly

Strangely disconnected from my body.

I hugged a rock and layed in the grass

I said, "ok, I will rest in you."

I felt pain and sorrow and deep fatigue. 

I felt my heart beat so fast and like I couldn't breathe,

And then I felt my heart beat, and beat, and beat

And beat.

dream

 I had a very strange dream and honestly I feel like it is more and more disorienting to wake up and determine if what happened was real or just a dream. In my dream, I was in my room. A big, white glowing rat ran out from under my bed but I wasn't scared. I looked up and saw a demon in the corner of my room watching me. I started chanting at it and rebuking it, and it shriveled up like a mummy until it was smaller than the rat. I was floating in the corner of the ceiling at this point, looking down at the shriveled demon until it disappeared. Then I woke up and I saw a black sphinx-like cat with big alien orb eyes watching me from my bedroom door frame--it looked like those Egyptian cat statues with long pointy ears and neck, except it had orb eyes. Was I actually awake or still asleep?!? The cat wasn't scary and I felt protected by it. It felt like a test for how I handled the rat and the demon. 

My dreams keep getting more and more vivid. 

dream

 I had the most intense dream that really felt real. I was in a huge, old library with tall windows three stories high. Outside the window, I could see the universe, and planets falling apart, with ash dripping down into the sky. I heard a voice say, "It's time now." There was a soundless thunder snap that ended everything. And then I flew up, faster than light, through realms and dimensions made of gossamer and silk and hazy clouds, webs and lace of silver and I kept going faster and faster up up up and then I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I was sitting in the most beautiful sunshine cafe, with a perfect orange on a plate before me. I peeled the orange and ate a piece, and said, "this is the most delicious orange I ever tasted." Then I woke up and it was super disorienting that I was in my bed. 

 

Soft

 My greatest lesson in life to learn is this....how to remain strong and soft in equal measure. 

In my latter years, I am learning my strength. 

I am very, very soft, and honestly, I run far away when people hurt me. I've always been a very "all in" type of person. If I let you in, my heart and soul is all in. Any harsh words or anything cruel done, is deeply taken in - after the wound, I run far away, the heart and soul part of me, where I can never be hurt that way again. While I may stay physically present and even cordial or friendly, deep inside myself, I've left you. Especially after unnecessary words or actions of cruelty.

I am still learning how to navigate this, and perhaps it is just another layer of my realization of how far I have left to mature spiritually, etc. 

These are things I haven't quite figured out yet. I am FAR, FAR, Far from a perfect person. Perhaps this is one of my flaws as a person. 

I am both the soft underbelly of a deer and the fangs of a wolf who isn't snarling at you, but has the teeth to tear asunder but doesn't. And never would. In a sassy moment, I might flash you a toothy smile and then tell you a poop joke. 

I know I desire to love deeply (and be loved in return!!!), but if I am hurt, I will "meep meep" away faster than the Roadrunner in the Looney Tunes cartoons. And no coyote will ever catch me because I run hella fast... 

- and goodbye inside of myself I will go. 

If TMI, scroll on. But I think this may be more common than most will admit. The lesson is to learn how to keep on with softness AND strength....how to remain trusting and soft, but wise. Maybe there is no easy answer. 

Edit: This post isn't about forgiveness, because you can absolutely(!!) forgive, but also never put yourself where your energy isn't valued, respected, or appreciated. The strong part of me has embraced this last bit...I have recognized when my energy and self isn't treated right, and can finally take the measures to create the boundaries needed for my own health and strength---took 35 years, lol!!! You don't have to let everyone in deeply and you can absolutely remove those who don't treat you well.

Dream

 I had a dream where I was standing and looking across a big moat/canal surrounding a round, green hill. On the hill were five huge, majestic Gothic architecture buildings that had dark stones, like it had been burned by fire or turned dark because of smoke. One building even looked like a tomb, and somehow I knew I had been there before, studying something (not university courses, but something I couldn't quite place). As I stood and looked at it, I realized I never would go there again. And it felt wonderful to turn away from it. 

Stubborn

I grew up in a household hearing classical music every day. My older sister practiced the piano 6 hours a day, and I would sometimes escape to the cow pasture away from the sound of repeated measures to the tick of the metronome (she went on to get her Masters in Piano Performance, and I cannot be more proud). Also, I honestly am in awe of my mom - she made sure we all (5 kids!!) had well-rounded childhoods. We all took piano lessons (in addition, for me, I took tap, ballet, jazz, weekly art classes, and flute lessons). I took piano lessons for two years, from ages 8-10, but had a teacher who, looking back, taught me an important lesson that means a lot even now. Children and animals can tell when they are barely tolerated, lol, and something deep in my immature, young heart really did everything I could to be the worst student ever, in a weird way, because I knew she didn't like me. I would practice the songs with the wrong fingering on purpose, and even though it would sound 100% correct, my teacher would say with exasperation, "Wrong again! Practice it the right way!" I do not know how I played Bach: Invention 4 with bad fingering with my small, child hands, and to this day, I can play this song from memory, but ONLY if I use the incorrect fingering. A bad way was etched in my mind. I think part of my life penance is to learn this piece with the correct fingering. And to send loving energy to my poor piano teacher. I'm sure my skinny, stubborn 8-10 year old self was a silent force to endure. Also, this story is proof I can be a stubborn @ss in my own way. 

Dear-o-deer

 There are many days when I feel like I don't belong on this planet. At all. Never did. I feel like a deer that has been walking carefully and with purpose her whole life, only to walk into landmines, exploding my own legs off trying to save people. 

I don't understand anything. I know this is part of my journey to learn, but my whole life, I've always been careful about where I place my trust, although I always love. To me, words, carelessly and cruelly spoken, are hard to come back from. Cruel words are shrapnel in the soul that can be forgiven, but there is always a scar. This is why, in my own sacred pact, I've vowed to never use words to hurt others. In all things, pause, reflect, then share. 

I know that from past childhood trauma, my first instinct is to soothe and save others who are emotionally in turmoil. But then somewhere along the lines, I feel overpowered, drained, and then ultimately disrespected, treated poorly, and even verbally abused when I try to reclaim autonomy and space when I stop engaging in dysfunctional healing. I've become better over the years recognizing this pattern, and recent affirmations have confirmed that I need to be careful to NOT give too much of myself in healing others. 

Mostly..,it makes me incredibly wary of giving my trust and vulnerability to others. Ultimately, in this world, I truly do walk alone. I know one of my life journeys is to learn to proclaim my value, and not give myself away in the wrong ways. Better to keep my own legs and show others how to run on their own legs. 

I am learning better boundaries so it doesn't get to this point. 

A memory or dream?

 *I had the most vivid dream last night about past life and soulmate. It felt so real. I feel like I could write a whole book about it*

I saw in his eyes the glittering of a place I couldn't quite remember. A place that I knew deep inside me, like the wells of the deepest place. Only an echo remained

When he slid his hands down my back and gripped me closer, I knew this grip, this belonging. And I was falling into a place that had no thought or reason, only feeling. The feeling of being swallowed whole - sliding and soaring - thunderous, a soundless scream. And ecstasy. 

And he knew the price of this, and I knew the price, but how I gave in, nothing close enough. His black eyes, relentless, scorched into my soul, "you are mine, mine, mine."

His world was dark, and he was sad somehow.  It was a dim planet with light that was not pitch black, and not twilight. In-between. Bubbles of soft light floated around, and in the gentle glow I saw animals around me with huge orb, alien eyes - curious, watching - as I glided past on his arm. He took me Home. A home of darkness, and glowing, and knowing, and magic. 

After that, I don't remember much. As if someone took a book from the library of my mind, and now that story is missing. But I can feel the hole where it used to be. Nothing can fill that space. 

Now, I was in a world of light, The price of that love was having no memory of it moving forward. Just a strange haunted feeling, a shadow you can't pull into a shape. How quickly it moves on. How I wished I could go back. But you can never go back. 

Handstand progress!

 

Winter Solstice dream

 I had a very interesting Winter Solstice dream last night. In my dream, I was running down this narrow, canyon trail towards an abyss. I kept passing donkeys laden with luggage who were also heading into the abyss. Once I got to the bottom, it was not a dark place. It was a beautiful springtime meadow with lots of white light and rays of sunshine and horses everywhere. So much peace. A man was taming the horses and teaching children how to ride them. 

Then I was a very old woman, but looked young. I was rubbing someone's back, almost like soothing a baby. The person said, "don't stop; this makes me feel grounded." I knew there was something in my hands that was making that person feel healed, so I didn't stop. 

I wish I could draw realistically this place. The horses looked like heaven horses. But I never thought a place like that could be found in an abyss. Maybe that's the perspective of being on one side as opposed to the other...?

Little story I'm writing/painting these days...keep your sense of wonder, always!

 

Handstand progress!!!

 Super grateful to have found this class - www.davidstickler.com. 

Dream from Nov 13th

I had another waiting dream, except this time, I was at the airport, waiting to go somewhere, but I didn't know where. I saw Matthew McConaughey sitting in a chair, waiting. I went up to him, and at first he seemed exhausted, like "oh, another fan." But then I made a joke, "don't you know who "I" am?" And then he beamed out the biggest smile and stood up to hug me like a family reunion, but I suddenly noticed a toddler holding a sharp pencil while trying to crawl up on a nearby chair, so I rescued the toddler and took the sharp pencil out of his hand. I'm writing all the dreams down that have a lot of detail. Usually, in my dreams, I listen and observe and wait. 

I'm not someone with the best self-confidence (but working on it), so I just thought that this dream was interesting, because I used my own voice to claim an equality of existing, and from that came love, acceptance, helping others.

Some drawings

 

 I went for a walk around my neighborhood and saw a man go by in an old, yellow roadster convertible. There was a huge, shaggy dog sitting next to him in the front, just like a person. The dog was bigger than the man and was intently looking forward like he was the driver. Maybe the dog actually was driving. I tried drawing it, but I'm not good at realistic stuff. Somehow the car looks more alive...

Magic

 Today, I took my SUP out - launched from Del Monte and went almost to Lovers. I was just out there between the red bell buoy and Lovers, sitting on my board, feeling the wind, and praying. I've been praying for signs lately...signs that I'm on the right path (on every level) and signs for my purpose. Well, it's hard for me to ask for things that I need, but I just needed a little bit of magic today. Reminders that I'm seen and loved for who I am.

While I was sitting, I saw a fin, and my first thought was...oh, maybe a shark? But then there was spouting, so I knew it was a dolphin. I paddled towards it, and then was circled by a pod of Rissos, maybe 20-30, all feeding. One popped up right next to my SUP, and it startled me. I sang the "Ole Aloha" chant to them, stuck my arms in the ocean, and sent loving prayers of thanks for this beautiful gift. Then I cried, lol, because it was so, so beautiful (I'm not much of a crier, so the release as tears of gratitude instead of sorrow was wonderful). I stayed with them for an hour; they ate their lunch around me, while I just sat and thought and prayed.

Then when I got back to the beach, I laid on my belly on the sand. I saw a little girl, maybe 2, running around with just a huge diaper on. She had blond hair and big blue eyes and she was so joyful. She saw me watching her, and ran over and squatted down to my eye level. I thought she was going to kiss my nose, she got so close, but she just looked deep into my eyes with such open joy, and said in a feathery, fairy voice, "hi!" Oh, my heart melted! It reminded me of me when I was that age, and also of what my daughter might look like, if I had a daughter.

I know we are all going through some dark forests of heartaches/struggles/worries, but I just wanted to share this. It reminded me that we are all worthy to ask for what we need, we are worthy to ask for moments of magic.

Dream

 I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was in the ocean, swimming. Suddenly, I was lifted up, up, up in a huge tsunami wave; higher, higher, higher, until I was at the very top of the wave, so high I was close to outer space. At the top, I was perfectly balanced, and waited for the moment when I would freefall straight down either the frontside or the backside of the wave. I waited for the feeling in my stomach of falling and of fear, but it didn't come. I just had a feeling of letting go. Suddenly, the wave was gone, as if it had never existed, and I was back in the ocean. Then another wave came, higher than the first. I saw it coming this time. I thought, surely I would not make it through this one, but once again, I felt my body turn to the same stuff as the wave and was lifted up to the top. Let go, let go, let go. Then I woke up. What is in this dream to teach me...peace and not fearing what will come, being like water, and trusting through even the scariest situation....everything we face is a teacher.

Question

I asked myself,
My heart,
My soul - 
What is your purpose?
Why are you here?
To love, to love, to love.
Sometimes I feel I might explode
and it scares me.
I feel emotions of others and pain
An ocean all around, always.
I see, feel helpless, want to embrace all the parts that are cracked in all that exists. 
Some days, I feel so small.
An observer and disconnected, gathering.
Quaking in the truth of the separateness,
Longing for connection.
What is this life and our purpose?

Every day, if it is my last day, did I love? 

Deeper

 When my heart is torn in two, even after healing,

the edges don't line up perfectly.
I feel the puckered seams.
There are places that aren't smooth.
Reminders. And wisdom of loss.
But not holes where I'm snagged or lost.
Just memories that are not my future.
Though some days, they cast a shadow and threaten to rob me of the day's sun.
The whispered lies of "not enough" -
How do you release something that is part of you now?
How do you live with something that sometimes pricks you to pain?
You breathe in and out,
send love to the pain,
and send love to yourself.
Beneath a scar is deeper love,
a teacher with wide arms
To hold others in their own rivers of loss.

Enough

 

You matter.

You are enough.

The grit and sorrow of life
Does not take your shine,
Or make you less worthy
Of the same light you show others.

Whatever voices that tell you
You are not enough
To be loved,
To be treated with dignity -
Show those voices
The power of love
And acceptance -
A song you write in your soul
And sing with your life.

(words by me, after reflection on a yellow sky and my heart)

Bone Days

 
Sometimes I feel like I'm just my frame of bones,
My muscles, sinew, skin all fled
Inside I rattle, upheld.

If feeling's a sound, I knock together

in a rhythm that calls out:

Where are you heart?

Where are you skin?

Where are you strength?

I'm just a frame sometimes.

Then I wake up the next day,

And find everything where it is supposed to be

All together.

I'm not sure why these bone days happen.

They used to scare me.

But maybe they are supposed to happen,

so I can remember that even in loneliness

I can make music. 

The percussion of myself

is just laying frame,

before the melody can land again. 

Gold showing

Bits of gold showing through,
Heart abloom,
Life anew

Meeting

Nearby, a white Egret, seemingly weightless, on the seaweed. On my back in the water, floating and embraced, the fog low and the smooth ocean meeting, I felt the infinite.

An old memory

I just fell in love with Taylor Swift's "Hoax" on her new album. It totally reminded me of someone I lost. Heartbreak is never easy to navigate; like being lost in a storm with no compass. There are things in life you can't fence up, wall in, or cut out of the soul. You just have to learn to live with the longing and the absence of someone or something you hoped for. It isn't a death, but in some ways it is. That ghost of yourself is left behind as you step out in a new, raw skin, pink and delicate and vulnerable to the realities of life.

I wrote this shortly after the loss and it is amazing to me how we can feel so deeply to our depths and still find a way to keep going.

The keening of the wind
was not the wind, but me
Though my lips are closed
My soul, in anguished silence, cries

Holding sand + feeling sun

Nestled in the warm sand at Asilomar, my fingers trace designs in the sand as the layers of blue, white, gray above melt and dance with the sun. I say a prayer. I am open to abundance. With arms open wide, my whole self I embrace. With grace and dignity, I face each moment for what it is. In letting go, I surrender to a trust, in knowing the best for me isn't what I grasp for, like sand running through a clenched fist. What is best for me comes with light, joy, and freedom - the sun between the clouds, warming my open palms. Infinite tenderness wraps around my shoulders. I'm not alone and in this belonging, I'm always home.