Honesty

I have to admit, I am not ok - but I will be. 

I am digging myself through some identity evolution. I am not the girl I was ten years ago, or even a year ago. I am figuring out who I am now and who I am supposed to be. 

After I turned 31, I lost a lot of the blind optimism and wild, childish exuberance that felt like such a huge part of my identity when I was in my 20's. Now I mostly feel discouraged and depressed and tired of life--nothing really excites me anymore and I feel I have nothing to look forward to. It is a scary place to be. I keep hoping it will get better, but the older I get, the more alone I feel. The thought of facing life alone with no soulmate or no one to share this adventure with is sometimes unbearable. But I take one day at a time, clinging to hope that there is a purpose for everything. And if I am really destined to be alone, I will have the strength to make it through life. Lately, I have been confronting my greatest fear - it is standing up for myself and being angry discovering that I've taught people how to mistreat me. Being too much of a peacemaker can be a bad thing - sometimes I feel I have lost my dignity by trying to make everyone else happy, erasing my own needs, silencing my voice, and then feeling like I am not respected or valued. 

I learned if I don't stand up for myself, no one else will. Ugh. It is a tough lesson. I've always hated confrontations, but setting boundaries shows respect not just for myself but for others around me. 

I think that is why I keep having dreams where I defeat bears....I am finally finding my voice and my strength. I am accepting and stepping into my power. I am worth more than I believe. 

I always thought I was never enough. With this belief, I became like a ghost, trying to shrink from taking up any space at all. Now I know that isn't true, but I've let that thought rule my life for so long. I am tired of shrinking from power and space, but it is tiring, too, to push out from the restrictive bubble of fear I've wrapped myself in. Without my old patterns of rescuing others or pleasing others or trying to be perfect, I feel lost and without purpose. Will people love me, just as I am?

I want to step into my new skin, but I guess it isn't done growing yet. I don't even know if any of this makes sense....but I just have to say, this summer was hard, but it unlocked something in me. It made me realize that I do have sense. I am smart. I am capable. I am strong. I am worthy of respect. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of kindness. I am not a doormat.

Yes, I am fighting an internal battle right now--a battle against myself. A battle against the seductive shadow that has haunted me my whole life, whispering horrible lies into my brain and heart, making my soul hunch and my heart crave for what I thought I did not deserve. Depression is just part of evolving. It is very tumultuous to let go of ghosts and shadows. I am learning to forgive myself and I am learning to be comfortable in my anger. I never let myself be angry before, but by doing that, I never learned how to navigate the emotion in a healthy way. When you suppress anger, it turns into depression. But I want to break free of that.

I want to let that other half  of me out - the warrior half that peeks through when I paddle through crashing waves, pelting rain, and thunder skies. 

I think if I let that badass Melissa out, she would be a phoenix soaring with ferocious power, immeasurable love, and unshakeable joy for flight and freedom, victorious over the charred ruins.

I don't want to be afraid of her anymore, or her strength.

I don't want to be afraid of her love, or the love she could experience if she let it in. Because she is worthy of it.

I am worthy of it.

Dreams

I never normally remember my dreams, but last night I had the most vivid dream...

A Grizzly bear was attacking me. Instead of running or cowering, I stood my ground and defeated it with amazing ninja skills I do not possess in real life. I yelled at the bear and felt no fear - only anger that the bear would even try to attack me. I stood defiant, with my tiny little human body, and told that bear where to go before I kicked its butt. If you've ever met me, I am the least aggressive or confrontational person on the planet and would never, ever hurt any human or animal. I do believe in dreams and their symbolic power. Apparently, if you dream about a Grizzy attacking you and you defeat it, it represents your ability to face down your deepest fear. I am finding that the older I get, I am finding strength I never knew I had, even when I don't feel strong in any way at all.

The wispy layers of life
meet, meld, rise, and fall
A mysterious purpose bounding it all.
Each day wears away; all shadows grow dim
A memory fades, but love within
Burns beyond what eyes can see,

Illuminating all eternity.

Release

This morning, the ocean was glass and the sky was warm and low and gray. Paddling my SUP out, it felt like everything was gray and still. I was not so much moving over it, but into the vastness - a slow, easy peace. About a mile away, there was a whale watching boat. I paddled towards it, hoping to see what they were seeing. I passed the bell buoy, and the whale boat was now past Lover's Point, following something exciting. I tried to catch up, but I couldn't. The harder I tried, the faster everything seemed to move out of my strength. So halfway between the bell and Lover's, I sat on my board and closed my eyes, releasing the chase and enjoying the moment. Birds flew by, just skating across the surface of the flat sea. I could hear the wind in their wings and their fluidity in the gray. And so I, too, continue to seek that fluidity in life, peace in the moment, and release.

Reflection

Piano song link & painting of the music

"As I Am"

I never thought I would be a teacher, especially a high school teacher. But I cannot believe how much I love it and my students. This past year was tough teaching chemistry and my brain is still recovering, lol. Some days, like today, it was nice to just paddle into the harbor, sit on my board, and feel the water slip through my fingers like liquid magic. As the light streamed across the ripples down to the ocean floor, it was both heart and head time to enjoy doing nothing, being grounded, together, and home. In a moment of peace and belonging, a harbor seal swam up five feet away from me and stared at me, thoughtfully and curiously. "Hey, buddy." We just chilled together for a while, bobbing in the water. Then he went his way, and I went mine.

Piano song

Melissa's Anthem

Listen

The song of myself 

had no tune for a spell

The moments of color 

Suspended… 

Until,

I gathered my heart, 

inspected the pieces,

Put them together, 

and listened.

Being Brave

Sometimes being brave is doing something new. Like dressing up and answering questions in front of an audience and a panel of judges for a car show pin-up competition. As someone who was affectionately called "weasel breath" growing up (and as someone who spends most of my free time wet, sandy, and bare-footed), this day of dress up was definitely a good type of stretch. My mom told me that I look a lot like my maternal grandmother in this picture.

Photo credit: Todd Davalos Photography & Sadie Snap Photography

Understanding

Forged in my soul

from despair and agony of loss

Is understanding

The truth of myself - 

I can never be less or more than who I am, or how I love.

My heart whispers...

"I am enduring,

I am tender,

I am peace."

Music in the wind

I was just thinking about the times when I was truly happy as a child were the times when I was doing nothing, really...sitting in a tree with a book, or swinging on the swing set while a thunderstorm rolled in, or running in the pasture filled with wild flowers. The times when I am happiest now are similar...sitting in the warm sand with friends, paddling out on the sparkling, blue ocean, and feeling the music in the wind. Sometimes it is good to be alone with my heart and thoughts and untangle everything that scrunches up my soul in the seasons of life that are harder, but I am also so very grateful for the beautiful friends I've met along my life's journey, who bring love, peace, and moments and memories that matter.

Canoeing Song - original composition

Moments That Matter

Walking with my niece through the woods...and just talking about everything. 

Light and Shadows

Oh hail, what a Monday! 

On break between classes, I caught some hail in my hand. It is very surreal to see half the ocean inky blue, the other half blinding white from sunshine struggling to part the huge, curling clouds and losing the battle to the smeared, heavy shadows overhead.

On the farm, this was the weather I'd try to fly in by running down steep pasture hills, or swing as high as I could on the swings and jump off, arms out.

We never grow up in the wind. It always reminds us our hearts are young.

Rain Lullaby - piano

Soundcloud link to my rain lullaby: Rain Lullaby

Reflection on a Sun Fire Night

After work, I swam for a long, long time, until I forgot I was swimming and peace settled on me, smoothing out the ripples of worry, stress, and sadness. In chasing strength and speed, I found my heart slip into that peaceful reflection I often long for. Later, at Asilomar, I watched the sun slip slowly into the fog-covered horizon; a red fire lit up the storm clouds and dark shadows raking across the sea. The waves crashed, luminous in the dying light, defiant against the wind. I felt grateful to have seen it. Often, in life, I look so far ahead, seeing the end of something instead of letting moments carry me and surprise me and delight me...and it is my battle to let go and surrender to those moments: the joy and sorrow of life and living. Truly, our hearts beat and break and we exist; this life is exquisite in its fragility and power, song and color, sacredness and nakedness of soul and longing.

Honesty

I never felt beautiful.
But in my eyes I see a fierce fire, deep burning,
Even while a curtain of timidity tries to hide it.
In my strong features and lines,
I see the blending of my Swedish and German ancestors
And the light of other lives before me.
Perhaps I am an echo of a Viking warrior-ess?
In my thin and strong frame,
I see generations of unknown women
Pulling through life with a tenacity I discover more each day.
I see a beauty that is different, not classic, perhaps not appealing,
But this body is like a tablet, carved upon by the ages,
And as I write my own story with it,
I find I am me,
Desperate to communicate love and acceptance, gentleness and compassion, with everything that is in me.

Song

The song of my soul

Whispers and hums and slows and stills

and listens.

Vibrations of life shiver and lift

The song to a place where words sit and tarry

and sometimes take flight.

My soul's song has different movements over my life,

But looking back, I see it

has a carefully threaded melody - 

A haunting sadness, a wistful yearning

But yet, there's hope in each note,

Always. 

Translation?

The words I say and the words I mean

A translation confused, never reaching

the deepest realm of true intent

A heart attuned to every layer

In silence, a thousand words

Rise to light the vast expanse, but fail to live

I wish there were a way to speak

Those elusive words, so strong in color and music

They remain untamed, unbreakable, coded deeply

To capture them, a puzzle

To feel them, a life

My mind holds them, though my heart owns them

My lips can only try to find the shape to pour them

A Question in the Depths

The sea is dark and still - 

a longing in the deep 

for light to pierce within and heal 

the silenced heart. 

Inky shadows

spread

and make the sun so cold and distant.

There is more terror still

in the empty quiet, the buried longing

of dreams.

Ocean