Soft

 My greatest lesson in life to learn is this....how to remain strong and soft in equal measure. 

In my latter years, I am learning my strength. 

I am very, very soft, and honestly, I run far away when people hurt me. I've always been a very "all in" type of person. If I let you in, my heart and soul is all in. Any harsh words or anything cruel done, is deeply taken in - after the wound, I run far away, the heart and soul part of me, where I can never be hurt that way again. While I may stay physically present and even cordial or friendly, deep inside myself, I've left you. Especially after unnecessary words or actions of cruelty.

I am still learning how to navigate this, and perhaps it is just another layer of my realization of how far I have left to mature spiritually, etc. 

These are things I haven't quite figured out yet. I am FAR, FAR, Far from a perfect person. Perhaps this is one of my flaws as a person. 

I am both the soft underbelly of a deer and the fangs of a wolf who isn't snarling at you, but has the teeth to tear asunder but doesn't. And never would. In a sassy moment, I might flash you a toothy smile and then tell you a poop joke. 

I know I desire to love deeply (and be loved in return!!!), but if I am hurt, I will "meep meep" away faster than the Roadrunner in the Looney Tunes cartoons. And no coyote will ever catch me because I run hella fast... 

- and goodbye inside of myself I will go. 

If TMI, scroll on. But I think this may be more common than most will admit. The lesson is to learn how to keep on with softness AND strength....how to remain trusting and soft, but wise. Maybe there is no easy answer. 

Edit: This post isn't about forgiveness, because you can absolutely(!!) forgive, but also never put yourself where your energy isn't valued, respected, or appreciated. The strong part of me has embraced this last bit...I have recognized when my energy and self isn't treated right, and can finally take the measures to create the boundaries needed for my own health and strength---took 35 years, lol!!! You don't have to let everyone in deeply and you can absolutely remove those who don't treat you well.

Dream

 I had a dream where I was standing and looking across a big moat/canal surrounding a round, green hill. On the hill were five huge, majestic Gothic architecture buildings that had dark stones, like it had been burned by fire or turned dark because of smoke. One building even looked like a tomb, and somehow I knew I had been there before, studying something (not university courses, but something I couldn't quite place). As I stood and looked at it, I realized I never would go there again. And it felt wonderful to turn away from it. 

Stubborn

I grew up in a household hearing classical music every day. My older sister practiced the piano 6 hours a day, and I would sometimes escape to the cow pasture away from the sound of repeated measures to the tick of the metronome (she went on to get her Masters in Piano Performance, and I cannot be more proud). Also, I honestly am in awe of my mom - she made sure we all (5 kids!!) had well-rounded childhoods. We all took piano lessons (in addition, for me, I took tap, ballet, jazz, weekly art classes, and flute lessons). I took piano lessons for two years, from ages 8-10, but had a teacher who, looking back, taught me an important lesson that means a lot even now. Children and animals can tell when they are barely tolerated, lol, and something deep in my immature, young heart really did everything I could to be the worst student ever, in a weird way, because I knew she didn't like me. I would practice the songs with the wrong fingering on purpose, and even though it would sound 100% correct, my teacher would say with exasperation, "Wrong again! Practice it the right way!" I do not know how I played Bach: Invention 4 with bad fingering with my small, child hands, and to this day, I can play this song from memory, but ONLY if I use the incorrect fingering. A bad way was etched in my mind. I think part of my life penance is to learn this piece with the correct fingering. And to send loving energy to my poor piano teacher. I'm sure my skinny, stubborn 8-10 year old self was a silent force to endure. Also, this story is proof I can be a stubborn @ss in my own way. 

Dear-o-deer

 There are many days when I feel like I don't belong on this planet. At all. Never did. I feel like a deer that has been walking carefully and with purpose her whole life, only to walk into landmines, exploding my own legs off trying to save people. 

I don't understand anything. I know this is part of my journey to learn, but my whole life, I've always been careful about where I place my trust, although I always love. To me, words, carelessly and cruelly spoken, are hard to come back from. Cruel words are shrapnel in the soul that can be forgiven, but there is always a scar. This is why, in my own sacred pact, I've vowed to never use words to hurt others. In all things, pause, reflect, then share. 

I know that from past childhood trauma, my first instinct is to soothe and save others who are emotionally in turmoil. But then somewhere along the lines, I feel overpowered, drained, and then ultimately disrespected, treated poorly, and even verbally abused when I try to reclaim autonomy and space when I stop engaging in dysfunctional healing. I've become better over the years recognizing this pattern, and recent affirmations have confirmed that I need to be careful to NOT give too much of myself in healing others. 

Mostly..,it makes me incredibly wary of giving my trust and vulnerability to others. Ultimately, in this world, I truly do walk alone. I know one of my life journeys is to learn to proclaim my value, and not give myself away in the wrong ways. Better to keep my own legs and show others how to run on their own legs. 

I am learning better boundaries so it doesn't get to this point. 

A memory or dream?

 *I had the most vivid dream last night about past life and soulmate. It felt so real. I feel like I could write a whole book about it*

I saw in his eyes the glittering of a place I couldn't quite remember. A place that I knew deep inside me, like the wells of the deepest place. Only an echo remained

When he slid his hands down my back and gripped me closer, I knew this grip, this belonging. And I was falling into a place that had no thought or reason, only feeling. The feeling of being swallowed whole - sliding and soaring - thunderous, a soundless scream. And ecstasy. 

And he knew the price of this, and I knew the price, but how I gave in, nothing close enough. His black eyes, relentless, scorched into my soul, "you are mine, mine, mine."

His world was dark, and he was sad somehow.  It was a dim planet with light that was not pitch black, and not twilight. In-between. Bubbles of soft light floated around, and in the gentle glow I saw animals around me with huge orb, alien eyes - curious, watching - as I glided past on his arm. He took me Home. A home of darkness, and glowing, and knowing, and magic. 

After that, I don't remember much. As if someone took a book from the library of my mind, and now that story is missing. But I can feel the hole where it used to be. Nothing can fill that space. 

Now, I was in a world of light, The price of that love was having no memory of it moving forward. Just a strange haunted feeling, a shadow you can't pull into a shape. How quickly it moves on. How I wished I could go back. But you can never go back.