Dream

 I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was in the ocean, swimming. Suddenly, I was lifted up, up, up in a huge tsunami wave; higher, higher, higher, until I was at the very top of the wave, so high I was close to outer space. At the top, I was perfectly balanced, and waited for the moment when I would freefall straight down either the frontside or the backside of the wave. I waited for the feeling in my stomach of falling and of fear, but it didn't come. I just had a feeling of letting go. Suddenly, the wave was gone, as if it had never existed, and I was back in the ocean. Then another wave came, higher than the first. I saw it coming this time. I thought, surely I would not make it through this one, but once again, I felt my body turn to the same stuff as the wave and was lifted up to the top. Let go, let go, let go. Then I woke up. What is in this dream to teach me...peace and not fearing what will come, being like water, and trusting through even the scariest situation....everything we face is a teacher.

Question

I asked myself,
My heart,
My soul - 
What is your purpose?
Why are you here?
To love, to love, to love.
Sometimes I feel I might explode
and it scares me.
I feel emotions of others and pain
An ocean all around, always.
I see, feel helpless, want to embrace all the parts that are cracked in all that exists. 
Some days, I feel so small.
An observer and disconnected, gathering.
Quaking in the truth of the separateness,
Longing for connection.
What is this life and our purpose?

Every day, if it is my last day, did I love? 

Deeper

 When my heart is torn in two, even after healing,

the edges don't line up perfectly.
I feel the puckered seams.
There are places that aren't smooth.
Reminders. And wisdom of loss.
But not holes where I'm snagged or lost.
Just memories that are not my future.
Though some days, they cast a shadow and threaten to rob me of the day's sun.
The whispered lies of "not enough" -
How do you release something that is part of you now?
How do you live with something that sometimes pricks you to pain?
You breathe in and out,
send love to the pain,
and send love to yourself.
Beneath a scar is deeper love,
a teacher with wide arms
To hold others in their own rivers of loss.

Enough

 

You matter.

You are enough.

The grit and sorrow of life
Does not take your shine,
Or make you less worthy
Of the same light you show others.

Whatever voices that tell you
You are not enough
To be loved,
To be treated with dignity -
Show those voices
The power of love
And acceptance -
A song you write in your soul
And sing with your life.

(words by me, after reflection on a yellow sky and my heart)

Bone Days

 
Sometimes I feel like I'm just my frame of bones,
My muscles, sinew, skin all fled
Inside I rattle, upheld.

If feeling's a sound, I knock together

in a rhythm that calls out:

Where are you heart?

Where are you skin?

Where are you strength?

I'm just a frame sometimes.

Then I wake up the next day,

And find everything where it is supposed to be

All together.

I'm not sure why these bone days happen.

They used to scare me.

But maybe they are supposed to happen,

so I can remember that even in loneliness

I can make music. 

The percussion of myself

is just laying frame,

before the melody can land again.