Finished!!

Today I finished the 30 day hot yoga challenge. It was the hardest physical challenge I have done so far, but I can feel the flicker of my pep and silly self coming back after a long winter of change. This challenge helped me get my mental focus back. There were days when my body was very tired, but the routine of going and the support of friends helped. On the tough days, I would have to be present in the moment, instead of thinking about how would I get through the class or how many things I had to do in my life. I take things to the extreme and have always been very hard on myself (perfectionist). Letting go of that pressure and doing something because I enjoy doing it is a lesson I can definitely apply to my whole life. I had a very dear friend tell me that I avoid things that make me feel negative emotions, but the negative emotions I feel are from my own insanely unrealistic expectations for myself. So...it is definitely a mindset I want to shift, so here are three things I want to do whenever I feel myself going to the extreme or being too "all or nothing" perfectionistic, I will

1. be present...mindful
2. be gentle with myself...
3. be grateful, especially in being perfectly imperfect

Other lessons I learned:

1. The pose I used to dread became my favorite - Camel Pose
2. I am more flexible than I thought
3. I can sweat a LOT (when I trained for the marathon, I never sweat this much!)
4. I can look in the mirror at my body and be grateful for what it can do
5. Crying is ok (after one class, I cried in the final savasana - I was incredibly stressed in my life and the physical and mental focus of the class helped me release and let down my guard which is very hard for me to do)

Time

On the edge of time...one second, then the next...

From then, before, and what once was,

To now, and forever what will be.

Time can be divided more so by moments, memories, and feelings.

This divided time - a gasp and hungry ache - 

Can sometimes be stretched;

moments, like currents or low-weaving music, hums through our lives without ever leaving us.

A ghost and a promise.

I live in longing for what was and yet could be,

A maddening balance of nostalgia and hope.

Challenge

I am over halfway finished with a 30 Day Hot Yoga challenge that I first started to gain my mental strength and focus back after changing careers. It has ended up being an unexpected healing from the inside out. 

In a 105 degree room, following 26 postures, I started peeling off old feelings, thoughts, and emotions while stretching and balancing my body. Each day, my heart is more grounded and my inner well of peace is filling up again. I've never felt comfortable in my body, but I am grateful for the new strength I am discovering (Standing Bow Pose, I'm loving you). It has been difficult since the Redding fire in July and the stress of evacuating my parents and nieces, but the past four months especially have been a tumultuous time with changing careers, figuring out if I was meant to stay in Monterey, and wondering about my place in the world as a 33 year old single woman. This winter was my season of dark soil--would anything ever bloom? 

I am looking forward to finishing this challenge, and continuing hot yoga while getting back into outrigger canoeing again. My back and neck injury I got in September doesn't give me pain any more (finally!). When you can't do the things that make you feel like you, it is destabilizing. But the time away from my favorite sport allowed me to focus on painting, composing, and writing. 

It is easier to look back and see the purpose of different seasons; in the moments of weakness and waiting, it is hard to be patient and peaceful. 

It seems like life is like an ocean tide....receive and release and be. 

Release

Be gentle with yourself...

But what does this mean?

You are a naked soul, longing, for the unsaid, unseen.

You are worthy of richness, joy, peace, and light,

Straining to "be" with all of your might.

Release the porcupine prickles of battle and stress.

The more you hang on, the more you're a mess.

Find balance in moments like sea tossing waves.

The peace of belonging is a buoy that saves.

Of storms, loss, and sorrow, it all ebbs in time.

Be grounded in stillness, embrace the divine.

You only live one life-

You cannot rewind.