I have to admit, I am not ok - but I will be.
I am digging myself through some identity evolution. I am not the girl I was ten years ago, or even a year ago. I am figuring out who I am now and who I am supposed to be.
After I turned 31, I lost a lot of the blind optimism and wild, childish exuberance that felt like such a huge part of my identity when I was in my 20's. Now I mostly feel discouraged and depressed and tired of life--nothing really excites me anymore and I feel I have nothing to look forward to. It is a scary place to be. I keep hoping it will get better, but the older I get, the more alone I feel. The thought of facing life alone with no soulmate or no one to share this adventure with is sometimes unbearable. But I take one day at a time, clinging to hope that there is a purpose for everything. And if I am really destined to be alone, I will have the strength to make it through life.
Lately, I have been confronting my greatest fear - it is standing up for myself and being angry discovering that I've taught people how to mistreat me. Being too much of a peacemaker can be a bad thing - sometimes I feel I have lost my dignity by trying to make everyone else happy, erasing my own needs, silencing my voice, and then feeling like I am not respected or valued.
I learned if I don't stand up for myself, no one else will. Ugh. It is a tough lesson. I've always hated confrontations, but setting boundaries shows respect not just for myself but for others around me.
I think that is why I keep having dreams where I defeat bears....I am finally finding my voice and my strength. I am accepting and stepping into my power. I am worth more than I believe.
I always thought I was never enough. With this belief, I became like a ghost, trying to shrink from taking up any space at all. Now I know that isn't true, but I've let that thought rule my life for so long. I am tired of shrinking from power and space, but it is tiring, too, to push out from the restrictive bubble of fear I've wrapped myself in. Without my old patterns of rescuing others or pleasing others or trying to be perfect, I feel lost and without purpose. Will people love me, just as I am?
I always thought I was never enough. With this belief, I became like a ghost, trying to shrink from taking up any space at all. Now I know that isn't true, but I've let that thought rule my life for so long. I am tired of shrinking from power and space, but it is tiring, too, to push out from the restrictive bubble of fear I've wrapped myself in. Without my old patterns of rescuing others or pleasing others or trying to be perfect, I feel lost and without purpose. Will people love me, just as I am?
I want to step into my new skin, but I guess it isn't done growing yet. I don't even know if any of this makes sense....but I just have to say, this summer was hard, but it unlocked something in me. It made me realize that I do have sense. I am smart. I am capable. I am strong. I am worthy of respect. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of kindness. I am not a doormat.
Yes, I am fighting an internal battle right now--a battle against myself. A battle against the seductive shadow that has haunted me my whole life, whispering horrible lies into my brain and heart, making my soul hunch and my heart crave for what I thought I did not deserve. Depression is just part of evolving. It is very tumultuous to let go of ghosts and shadows. I am learning to forgive myself and I am learning to be comfortable in my anger. I never let myself be angry before, but by doing that, I never learned how to navigate the emotion in a healthy way. When you suppress anger, it turns into depression. But I want to break free of that.
I want to let that other half of me out - the warrior half that peeks through when I paddle through crashing waves, pelting rain, and thunder skies.
I think if I let that badass Melissa out, she would be a phoenix soaring with ferocious power, immeasurable love, and unshakeable joy for flight and freedom, victorious over the charred ruins.
I don't want to be afraid of her anymore, or her strength.
I don't want to be afraid of her love, or the love she could experience if she let it in. Because she is worthy of it.
I am worthy of it.
