“For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.” - Carl Sagan

Written Jan 1, 2016:

Today was the first time back on an OC1 since December 5 - the day I did the 4 mile surfski and 8 mile OC1 race in Oceanside. Those races tested everything in me, and I’ve been searching my heart for the lessons to be learned from the experience. In life, I've always pushed myself to go beyond what I thought I could do. In paddling, I wanted to push myself, too.

Paddling in conditions that I never faced before, I confronted fear that I never knew I had in me. When you are cold, alone, and not sure if you are even going in the right direction, it takes everything just to keep that fear reigned in. During the long course race, I realized that you can't stop from feeling fear. You can accept it and then it has no power to immobilize you. After that, you realize that all you can do is go forward...one stroke at a time. That race felt like my life. I knew the ocean was going to teach me something that I would carry with me beyond the 8 miles of the course: feeling fear is not weakness or defeat.

In those moments when nothing goes right, or you don't feel prepared for anything, or you don't think that you can possibly face what you must, that is when you find the deeper beauty of you - you dig deep into that well of strength. Everything goes on...you have to keep going on, too. Even if it isn't going in the way you want it to, life is scary and hard and good and wonderful. I guess it all comes down to how you face it all - the good and the bad - with an open heart.

So, today I paddled an OC1. A wave caught me, and I flipped into the cold water. I got back on the canoe and I kept paddling...because that is what I do.